I think a lot about the people who benefited from my burnout.
Employers, mostly. But as someone who spent most of my life overwhelmed, with boundaries like spaghetti, it permeated every point of my life. I said yes to too many things. I said no to things I truly wanted, because it would mean putting myself first. I sacrificed a future I desired many times, in hopes one day I'd be chosen and would reap the reward.
I never did reap a reward, only exhaustion. And when I hit rock bottom, do you think that the people who took advantage of my burnout were there for me, to help pick up the pieces? Don't be silly! They had moved on to the next source of energy they could siphon.
Many people are energy vampires. If you've never watched What We Do in the Shadows, highly recommend. You'll meet Colin Robinson, their resident energy vampire. He gets all his energy and sustenance by siphoning it off of others, and if you've ever worked a job in corporate, you know plenty of them.
There are a lot of people who have nothing of value, who are eager to suck yours dry. There are also a lot of deeply broken people, who don't even know they are doing it to you. It's on you, like it was on me, to learn how to protect yourself and your energy.
The people who benefited from my burnout probably didn't mean to hurt me. But I didn't show them how not to. Because I didn't care for myself appropriately, they couldn't even begin to handle me appropriately either. It took learning boundaries, and what I wanted, to be able to build the structure that allowed me to find happiness in this life.
The thing that nobody tells you is that when you stop burning yourself alive to keep everyone else warm, some people will be upset. They will be unimpressed with change, as humans always are. The free labor stopped. The emotional support stopped. The constant availability stopped.
The version of you that didn't have needs has disappeared, and for some people, that's incredibly inconvenient.
The good news is that the people who truly care about you adjust. It might take time. There will be awkward conversations. Occasionally, there is going to be conflict that you have to work through and repair. Eventually though? The people that are meant to stay? They make room for the version of you that exists outside of service to others.
The unhealthy ones usually don't. Which, really, is that not for the best?
These days, when I am overwhelmed, or catch myself feeling like I'm in trouble for disappointing someone, I ask myself a simple question:
"Who said I should do this?"
Sometimes the answer is me. More of than not, it's society and an internalized rule that I've created.
That question alone has saved me years of energy.
If you're finding yourself in that place right now, exhausted and trying to untangle where your energy is going, you're not alone. This is the work I spend most of my time doing with people.
I don't fix them, or offer solutions I can't deliver on, because they're outside of my scope. What I do is helping them sort through the noise, figure out what belongs to them, what doesn't, and what comes next. Sometimes the hardest part isn't setting the boundary but just realizing you were allowed to have one in the first place.
If that's where you are, I'd love to help. You can learn more about my Clarity Sessions, Transition Mapping Sessions, and The Transition Room here.
Weekly R.E.P.O.R.T.
What I'm Reading, Eating, Playing, Obsessing, Recommending and Treating.
Reading: I've been "off" for the past week, and have been working my way through an old Ann Rule novel I thrifted a while ago. Dead By Sunset was a bit dense to get started with, but I think that's more related to me being a bit dense these days.
Eating: Tiny cucumbers. I recently picked up a cucumber plant rather hastily, excited to see how many were already growing. When I got home and began pruning the plant, I realized THEY ARE MINIATURES. So that was delightful.
Playing: A bit of dress up! Last Saturday we went to a Desperate Housewives themed murder mystery dinner. I was excited to wear this top I recently thrifted.
Obsessing: Over my vow renewal. Today is my 10 year wedding anniversary, and on the 13th, we hosted a small vow renewal in the garden. It was small, beautiful, and full of love.
Recommending: Making a cute little planter! I thrifted a $1 planter yesterday, and with the addition of some succulents, created this precious little fairy garden.
Treating: Myself to a day at the spa today. Big fan of coming to a water circuit spa with my book and spending a day in quiet. I am catching up on this newsletter while I wait for my lunch.
Other things of note:
- Lately I look up a random Free Little Library in an area I want to explore, and go on garden walks. I get my cute little beverage and just walk around looking at yards.
- I'm attempting to turn this cherub into a chia pet
- Getting very into painting flowers on things
The end.
Alright, until next time, stay well, stay safe, wear sunscreen, fight fascists, make good trouble
xoxo
Jessica
