What you tend in your garden grows.
Recently someone said that instead of "Is this the mountain I want to die on?" they use, "Is this the garden I want to tend to?" and I've been mulling it over a lot, you know, since I'm deep in my garden era.
But what does it mean? Well, first, we'll start with a silly little nursery rhyme that comes to mind.
"Mary, Mary, quite contrary"
By Mother Goose
Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockleshells
And pretty maids all in a row.
I don't know the meaning behind this, to be clear. This is completely how I'm choosing to interpret it, at this time in my little head.
When I was unhappy, I was quite contrary. I tended to a lot of gardens that weren't mine. They weren't pretty, there were no silver bells or cockleshells. There was burnout and bitterness. I experienced resentment towards my loved ones, because how could they not help me? They could clearly see me struggling, so what was stopping them from helping me more?
Well, frankly, I sucked at tending gardens. I chose to invest my energy into a lot of gardens that never bore any fruit. I truly believed that through all of my love, and effort, I was capable of changing the very axis of the earth, if I just tried hard enough.
So what changed?
I created boundaries around my garden. Sometimes poorly, sometimes in ways that hurt people. Much like gardening, learning to care for myself was a process that I started and stopped, succeeded and failed, thrived and plateaued at many times. As I was trying to understand who I was, and what I wanted to be, I didn't always do it "right."
That's because there isn't a right or wrong.
A lot of times I've been asked something along the lines of, "How do I handle the guilt of setting boundaries with people?" because I generally work with women, who are exhausted, and are just beginning their journey of finding themselves, their wants, their desires, and how to build boundaries that support them.
The answer is choosing what garden to tend to. Deciding what is your responsibility to water, to weed, the compost when needed. Not everything is your garden.
When someone is upset about a boundary you've put in place, how they feel about it actually isn't yours to tend to. It's theirs. How someone else feels about the boundary isn't something you have to waste energy on.
It's easier said than done, so what does it actually look like in practice?
It's things like self-talk, which I cringed at for years, but creating a positive self-dialogue of, "Hey, so that's actually not your problem." goes a long way in rewriting your internal script.
Two resources I'll recommend are:
Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab as well as The No Club: Putting a Stop to Women's Dead-End Work by Linda Babcock, Brenda Peyser, Lise Vesterlund, and Laurie Weingart .
The funny part is that once I started tending my own garden, it actually became easier to show up for other people. When I stopped sacrificing myself for them, I stopped being depleted all the time. I had energy again. I could make art. I had patience for people, and learned to love them deeper.
I stopped trying to save people and started trusting them to tend to their own gardens. I stopped assuming every problem was mine to solve. I stopped measuring my worth by how much I could carry.
And perhaps most importantly, I stopped treating myself like a weed.
These days, when something new appears in my life, I find myself asking, "Is this a garden I actually want to tend to?"
Sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes the answer is no. And sometimes the answer is, "Not right now." All three are perfectly acceptable answers.
If you're in a season where you're trying to figure out what belongs in your garden, what needs pruning, what needs watering, or what you're finally ready to stop carrying, that's the work I do with people.
Not therapy. Not life coaching.
Just a thoughtful space to sort through complicated transitions, burnout, career changes, shifting identities, and the question of what comes next.
Sometimes we need someone to sit beside us while we figure out what we're actually trying to grow.
If that sounds like something you need, you can learn more about working with me here.
Weekly R.E.P.O.R.T.
What I'm Reading, Eating, Playing, Obsessing, Recommending and Treating.
Reading: Stop harassing me on my lack of literacy!! I'm in a dry spell. I am technically writing to you from a library, and have books on gardening. Honestly, I'm even open to knowing if you've read anything good or interesting lately. I like psychological thrillers mostly, and non-fiction, usually social science.
Eating: More happy hours in my garden. I had a late lunch last week where I did a toasted croissant with soft farmers cheese, red currant jam, sea salt and honey. Chefs kiss.
Playing: This week I made a pollinator watering station. Did you know our little friends also get thirsty? You can DIY one super simply, the important part is having rocks or sticks so they can perch and not drown. I made mine with a chip and dip dish I never use glued to a vintage rubbermaid waste basket.
Obsessing: MY GARDEN, OBVIOUSLY. Okay, here is the before and after to really help you understand. Last year, this is what we were working with. Nothing. Just a free bench from marketplace and a dream.
I did everything last year as an experiment. I had no clue, I was just planting and hoping for the best. By the end of the season, I definitely had a chaos garden, including cosmos as tall as me.
But this year, after working with an expert, I was able to completely redo it for the cottage witch garden of my dreams. Every year, these perennials and self-seeding annuals are going to come back fuller and more lush, and I can't wait to grow with them.
Recommending: Every year I sink even more unapologetically into becoming a mature woman. This past Friday I enjoyed a glass of white wine in my garden, sipped out of a jam jar. It was divine, and I recommend you do too.
Treating: Myself to dumpster diving. Look, I'm not too good to stop and grab something off the side of the road. Last friday, a client had come out so we could catch up, and run errands together while we strategized on the move I'm helping her with. As we were driving, I passed this glorious metal urn set out for bulk garbage. I had to have it. A $17 hanging planter later, and beauty.
What I'm Wearing
I don't have any misguided beliefs that I am a fashionist, but I know many of my peers are struggling with what to wear as we enter our late 30s and early 40s. I am going to be adding a segment to show what I'm wearing, on the few days a week I wear real clothes.
These days, I'm thrifting about 99% of my wardrobe. I did just break down and buy a new bra and undies new, but pretty much everything else is second hand. Most clothing I'm finding new just isn't it for me.
Outfit one is a thrifted cream sleevless v-neck sweater, an olive green elastic waist wrap skirt from Ann Taylor, gold block heels and a vintage Dooney and Bourke that I wore to a friend's party announcing him running for city councillor.
Outfit 2 is a dress I got at a consignment sale, it's an Australian brand, I don't remember, I'm sorry! We went to a very exciting taco Tuesday at a local restaurant when I really needed a margarita.
Okay, that's a wrap.
Happy Monday, or you know, Manageable Monday, whatever works. I hope you have a great rest of your week, and you tend the most important gardens in your life.
xoxo
Jessica
